


Wonderful Life

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: It's a Wonderful Life, Life Lessons, M/M, Romance, Space Husbands, T'hy'la
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 21:43:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17332883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Jim is taken on a journey to learn how things would have turned out had he never been bornMy  contribution to the T'hy'La Bang





	Wonderful Life

“I cannot say that I love you.”

Jim recoiled from Spock as they stood by the docks not far from the restaurant where they were supposed to be going.

His gut flipped, and his heart twisted painfully. “What? After all this time? Are you saying you _don’t love me_?”

Spock’s words seemed brutal, harsh. Completely something he did not want to hear, nor could he believe the words coming from the Vulcan he literally spent all his time with.

It had really been just an offhand question while they stood outside looking at the ocean, at the boats there. But it had been bugging Jim for a while. He realized that now when everything had suddenly been exposed.   

They’d been together for months. Jim had given up all others to be with Spock. Everything had been so good. Jim had told Spock he loved him a number of weeks ago, and several times since, and when Spock had not responded in kind, Jim didn’t really think much about it. He knew Spock was a Vulcan. Emotions were…difficult for them.

But he had thought—

“Jim, you are overreacting.”

He burst out laughing. “Overreacting? You just said you can’t say you love me.”

“Vulcans feel emotions differently than humans and I—”

“Bullshit.”

“Jim—”

“No.” He shook his head and turned away, facing the sea. They were in San Francisco. Their first five-year mission was behind them. Jim had been looking forward to the next one beginning in a few months. But now…he didn’t know what to think. He pulled the peacoat he wore closer around himself. He wasn’t particularly cold, but it was a defense mechanism. One he hadn’t thought he’d need against Spock. Not now.

“I care for you.”

“You _care_ for me? Really?” He turned to look at Spock, incredulous. “This is why you and Uhura never worked out, isn’t it? She finally got tired of your crap.”

Spock said nothing. And what did Jim expect him to say anyway?

“Okay,” Jim said softly. “Okay. I get it. It was nice while it lasted.”

“Then you wish to end things between us? I thought it was our intention to bond and—”

“ _Bond_?” Jim crossed his arms over his chest. “No, Spock.”

“I have tried to explain.”

“I know you have. You’re bad at it though. What you’re offering, I don’t want.”

“But—”

“I can’t be here.”

“Jim, let me explain further.”

He shook his head sadly. “I’m in no mood to hear it, Spock.”

Just as he turned to walk down the street, Bones arrived. They’d been supposed to meet Bones for dinner.  His friend took one look at Jim’s face, then looked past him at Spock, his expression grim.

“Jim? What’s going on?”

“I just…” He shook his head. “I don’t know anymore. Maybe I never did.” He patted Bones’ arm, and continued down the street away from Spock.

He felt stupid. Of all the things he’d been certain of, Spock loving him had been at the top of the list. He shouldn’t have pushed it. Shouldn’t have asked for the words. Then maybe he could continue to pretend.

After a while, he stopped walking and looked around where he had gone. He was not familiar with the area, and he’d walked right into getting himself hopelessly lost.

Figured. Just the perfect end to a shitty day.

He moved closer to the water’s edge, looking down into the dark, murky depths. Not for the first time in his life, he wondered if anyone would even miss him if he were he gone. 

And if they did, would it be for long? He’d quickly be forgotten by those he’d known.

Then the real solution hit him.

“Would have been better if I’d never been born,” he muttered out loud.

“I can’t help with that, but I can make sure your life ends here.”

Jim turned quickly and stared right into the eyes of a Klingon holding a disruptor aimed at him.

For a moment he reacted defensively, reaching into his coat for a phaser he didn’t have. He was in San Francisco, going to dinner, wearing civilian clothing. 

Okay, well if this was the end, then so be it. What did it really matter anyway?

“Yeah? Come and get me then.”

The Klingon fired, and Jim’s chest exploded.

“Jim.”

He opened his eyes, staring into the face of—

“Spock?”

Spock arched his brow. “Indeed.”

“But…aren’t you dead?” Because it was not the face of young Spock, but rather Ambassador Spock, who he’d met on Delta Vega all those years ago. And God, it was so great to see him, it really was. But then again, he guessed if Spock was dead, so was he.

“Technically, yes.” He reached down to help Jim off the floor.

Jim frowned and looked around. “Where are we?”

“My home on New Vulcan.”

“Am I dead too?”

“Negative. You were never born.”

“Huh?”

“You were never born, Jim. You wished that you had never been born, and your wish has been granted,” the ambassador explained. “You do not exist. I am here to accompany you, to see how the lives of those you would have interacted with turned out without you in their lives.”

Jim snorted. “I’m sure they have amazing lives then.” He tapped his forehead. “Wow, I must really have hit my head or something when I fell. I assume that’s what happened when that Klingon shot me.”

“No Klingon shot you, Jim, as you were not born.”

“Come on, that’s just ridiculous. Things like that aren’t possible.”

He inclined his head. “We will see.” He was staring intently at Jim. “T’hy’la.”

“There’s that weird Vulcan word again. Spock uses it sometimes. I mean, you know, young Spock.”

“Of course he uses it. Jim, whether or not I say the words, you must believe that I love you.”

“Listen, maybe you loved your captain, your Jim. But that’s you. You’re not the same as him,” Jim insisted.

“Biologically we are the same. Only our life experiences change us.” He held out his hand for Jim. “Take my hand, ashayam.”

Jim laid his hand in Spock’s who closed his fingers around Jim’s palm. “For a dead guy, your hand is quite warm.”

“For someone who does not exist, yours is too.”

Jim grinned. “Touché.”

“Come, it is time to show you, George Samuel Kirk.”

“My brother?”

Spock gave a little shrug. “No, the son of George and Winona Kirk. You do not exist.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Right. I forgot. I don’t exist. God, I must have really hit my head. I wonder why it doesn’t hurt.”

“Come.”

The ambassador tugged, and Jim followed him out of the strange house and onto a dark and dismal planet covered in gray sand. The sand itself blew hard all around them though it did not seem to hit either him or the Ambassador.

It was an odd place he was not at all familiar with. And he couldn’t begin to imagine why Sam would be here.

There were people here and they were wrapped in heavy robes and hoods. They paid no attention to either him or Spock.

“There is George Samuel Kirk at age eight.”

Jim looked to where Spock pointed and saw an almost skeletal boy crouched down trying to warm himself over a pitiful fire. The boy kept glancing around warily. He looked like Sam to Jim. Sort of. He was unused to seeing him so wane and sallow looking.

“What is this?”

“A slave colony on Rigel 10.”

Jim turned to gape at the ambassador. “A slave colony? Why would Sam be here?”

“He is a slave.”

“ _What?_ Bullshit. Where’s Mom? Where’s that asshole Frank?”

“Sam is an orphan.”

“An orphan? But Mom—”

“Winona Kirk died on the Kelvin with her husband, George Kirk, when Nero attacked their ship. There is no Frank in Sam’s life, because Winona Kirk did not survive the Kelvin attack.”

“Died? But—”

“Since you do not exist, she was not pregnant at the time of the attack, and she insisted on staying with her husband. George Kirk saved many others, but Winona Kirk stayed with him and died when the Kelvin completed the self-destruction sequence. Sam stayed with his grandparents for a brief time, but after their death in a hover car accident, Sam was placed into foster care.”

Jim frowned. “How did he end up here?”

“One of his caregivers in the foster system sold him to a slaver.”

“Fuck.” Jim was not close with his brother. Had not been in years. Not since Sam left when Jim was just thirteen without a care for Jim let alone a backward glance. But this—

He walked over to the boy and lowered himself to the ground next to him. “Sam?”

The boy did not respond but Jim noticed he flinched.

“Sam, it’s-it’s Jim.”

Finally the boy looked up at Jim. There was no recognition there.

“Your brother. Listen—

“Get-Get away from me!” Sam shrank back.

A large, hairy man approached suddenly and reached down to seize Sam by his skinny arm. He pulled him roughly to his feet. His arm made a cracking noise.

“Time to get back to work, boy!”

“Hey! Stop that,” Jim yelled.

The man pushed Jim. “Get out of here. Don’t interfere.”

And Jim watched as he pulled Sam toward a mining cave. He felt like throwing up.   

“He doesn’t know you, Jim. You are not his brother.” Spock walked over to him and took his hand in his once more. “Come, t’hy’la. It is time to see more.”

The scene changed entirely, and Jim found himself on the campus of Starfleet Academy near the biology building.

It was night and the place looked deserted.

Until Jim noticed a lone figure sitting on the ground, butted up against the side of the building. From where Jim and the ambassador stood, he could see many discarded bottles of alcohol strewn about.

Just then two cadets walked out of the building and down the steps.

Jim stopped them. “Hey. Do you know what’s wrong with that guy?’

One of them looked over at the man sitting on the ground, and then laughed. “Oh him? He’s like that every night. That dude’s a loser. A drunk. I’m surprised they haven’t thrown him out of here yet.”

The other one nodded agreement. “It’s just because he’s a doctor. Or was, anyway.” He gave Jim a weird look. “And you really should mind your own business.   Come on, Marty. We need to go.”

Jim glanced at Spock, but Spock just gazed back at him.

“That isn’t…no.”

“Go and see, Jim.”

“What kind of trick is this?”

“Look, Jim.”

He reluctantly turned away from the ambassador and walked over to where the drunk sat against the building. 

Jim didn’t want to believe what he saw with his own eyes. For against the wall and reeking of booze and vomit and the stench of someone who did not bathe was Leonard McCoy. His eyes were half closed, and he held a nearly empty bottle of whiskey.

“Bones?”

McCoy didn’t react. Much like Sam hadn’t other than a flinch, but Bones didn’t even do that. It was as if Jim hadn’t spoken.

“Bones? What are you doing here like this?”

“Buzz off,” Bones muttered under his breath.

“Bones, don’t you know me?”

“I said piss off,” Bones said angrily. “Unless you have a bottle, I got nothing to say.”

Jim glanced toward Spock, who had walked the few steps closer to where Jim stood. “What are you anyway? A hypnotist?”

“Hardly,” the ambassador replied.

“Well, why am I seeing all this weird shit? Why is Bones like this? I don’t get it.”

“Don’t you? In a few months, Leonard McCoy will have drank himself to death his second year of the Academy.”

“That’s a lie!”

The ambassador shook his head. “You were not there to meet him on the shuttle. Depressed after his divorce and the loss of even the chance to see his daughter, he drank more and more. He had no friends, did not show up to classes. He will be found dead in his dorm at the end of his second year.”

“No,” Jim denied. “That’s not possible.”

“I am sorry, t’hy’la, but it is the case.”

“Stop that. Stop calling me that.” He turned away and Bones and the Biology building faded away. “I’m not…what does that mean anyway?”

“You are my bondmate.”

He shook his head. “Spock and I are not bonded.”

“That is also technically true as you have never been born.”

“God, will you stop with that?”

“The bond I speak of is ancient and revered. A t’hy’la bond.  Brothers, friends, lovers. A great love none other can touch. I had this with you in my universe. And you are meant to have it with me in this universe.”

“Sounds like a damn fairy tale. And anyway, I’m not going to bond with him. I refuse. He should have just stayed with Uhura. He would have been better off.”

“You still believe Spock does not love you?”

“What you had was different. I told you that. I get it. You had this great, magnificent, unparalleled love. Perfect.”

The ambassador shook his head. “It was far from perfect. We spent many years dancing around our feelings for each other. We were older than you are now. Stubborn and foolish. We went through…a great deal of grief to get to where we were when we were together. And the time we had…was brief.”

Jim frowned. “Brief? How old was I…” He stopped and looked away. “Was he when—”

“Not nearly old enough,” Spock said softly. A whisper on a breeze. “Come there is more to see.”

They were on what seemed like another unfamiliar planet then. It did not seem like Earth to Jim. It was both warm and pungent. And in the sky, he spotted two suns.

“Where are we now?” he asked Spock.

“The planet that both Vulcans and Humans settled after the destruction.”

Jim frowned. “Destruction? You mean Vulcan?”

“Vulcan and Earth.”

“Fuck that,” Jim swore. “Nero didn’t destroy Earth.”

“Yes, he did. You were not on the Enterprise to inform Captain Pike of what you heard that Uhura picked up and therefore the Enterprise was also attacked and badly damaged by the initial entry into Vulcan’s orbit.”

“That’s all lies! Uhura could have--”

“She was killed when Nero destroyed the starship she was on. Since you did not cheat on the Kobayashi Maru—”

“That wasn’t cheating, it was just a new way to beat the test.”

“There was no hearing going on when the distress signal from Vulcan went out. Uhura was assigned to the Farragut without interference from Spock and she was killed along with her roommate Gaila.”

Jim turned away from the ambassador, looking around at this planet and the few inhabitants.

“As before, Nero noted Spock’s presence on the Enterprise, and so he did not immediately destroy the ship. Pike was tortured and killed by Nero.”

He turned back around, staring at Spock.

“You were not there to make sure the Enterprise rescued Pike and prevent any additional planets from being destroyed. You did not travel to Vulcan to try and stop Nero’s drill, affording Spock time to rescue his father and the Elders there. Or to give them any warning at all. Spock chose to rendezvous with the fleet and Earth faced the same destruction as Vulcan. Many billions of lives lost.”

“You—”

“I perished on Delta Vega. Eventually. There was no one who found me marooned there by Nero.”

Jim felt sick. Completely and utterly sick.

“You see how many lives you have affected, T’hy’la.”

“Spock.” He shook his head. “Where-where is he?”

“You will not like it, Jim.”

Jim had a feeling he definitely would not. “Show me. Take me to him.”

They didn’t change scenes or even locations, but instead Spock led him down a path on the planet they currently occupied.

While it certainly wasn’t as desolate as the place Sam had been, Jim couldn’t help but think there must have been some better choice for Humans and Vulcans than this.

“They didn’t colonize two separate planets?” he asked the ambassador.

“There were not enough survivors to warrant that.”

For a long time, Jim stared at the elder Spock in horror he found difficult to contain.

A gentle hand rested on his arm. “Come.”

Spock took him to a home that was a shack really, a rambled old dwelling that looked like it ought to be demolished.

He put his hand on the ambassador’s arm. “Here? Spock lives here?”

But the ambassador didn’t answer, just stood to the side to allow Jim to enter the house. 

There was barely any light, and huddled in the corner of the small dwelling, was a Vulcan who looked ill-used and long forgotten. His hair was long and stringy, his clothes were soiled, his eyes vacant. Upon his face was a scraggly untrimmed beard.

“Spock,” Jim whispered.

The Vulcan showed no reaction.        

Jim walked over to where he was huddled and crouched down beside him. “Spock? It’s me. It’s Jim.”

But Spock did not react at all.

“He does not know you, Jim. Or even where he is. He went mad.”

“No.”

“Without your stabilizing influence Spock lost all reason, logic and will to live. He has nothing, no one. No friends, no family. Everyone and everything he has ever known is gone. He watched the destruction of Vulcan and Earth. It was too much for him.”

Jim reached out to touch Spock’s cheek, but he did not even flinch away. His skin felt like ice.

“Do you still believe everyone would have been better off if you’d never been born, Jim?”

He stood up then and turned back to the older Spock. “Take me back. To my life. I want to live again.”

Spock nodded, looking very relieved.

“But first…what happened to me? In your time.”

“Jim—”

“Please. I know it’s hard for you. But I-I want to know. Please.”

The ambassador was silent and pensive for so long that Jim began to think he wasn’t going to indulge Jim’s morbid curiosity.

But then his expression changed. It wasn’t exactly sad or determined but both of those elements were there. His hand shook slightly as he raised it toward Jim’s face.

Their eyes met, held. And there was such pain and loss in Spock’s brown eyes that Jim opened his mouth to tell Spock never mind, but suddenly Spock was in his mind and his vision changed.

He saw an older version of himself, perhaps twenty or so years from now, his hair grown darker, his body a little heavier. He wore an unfamiliar red uniform. And he was speaking with Spock, younger than he was now, but older than his own Spock.

“It’s just a short little maiden voyage of the Enterprise-B. I’ll be back home before you know it.” He’d smiled reassuringly at Spock.  

Then the scene changed, and he saw himself on that ship and the hull being compromised and—

It changed again.

Spock being notified of his presumed death.

The absolute _anguish_.

Jim sucked in a breath and stepped back and away as Spock’s hand fell from his face. Tears stung his eyes. His chest ached.

“So-so much pain.”

“I am sorry, T’hy’la.”

“How could they-how could they do that to you?”

“No one knew that would be the outcome. Jim did not know.”

“Such loneliness and despair. I-I don’t know how you got through it. God, it’s just…it’s so unfair.”

“Jim, my pain is over, but you have the ability, now as you are, to love me as I am, younger, and to help me to learn how to be the bondmate you deserve. Do not deprive me of that life I am meant to have with you because of my fear.”

“Fear?” Jim whispered.

Spock nodded. “My younger self fears all that he feels. You must help him. I felt as he does once. It took me a long time to admit that I could not make it without you, without Jim. A lot of wasted time, Jim. Don’t make the same mistakes we did.”

Jim nodded and wiped his eyes.

“As you have seen, T’hy’la, your life had significant meaning. Your very birth did. You have altered life around you innumerable times.” Spock pulled Jim close and wrapped his arms around him. “You are loved and admired, Jim. As Pike dared you to do better, you have. And Spock…loves you. I know. I am Spock. I love you. Keep those words close always.”

Suddenly Jim realized he was back in San Francisco, back in the area where he’d gotten lost. The ambassador was gone. The Klingon was not.

“I can make sure your life ends here.”

But as he raised the gun, Jim watched as Spock, _young_ Spock, came up behind the Klingon, reached over, and neck pinched him to the ground. It was Bones who kicked aside the disruptor.

Jim nearly fell to his knees in relief. Instead he rushed to Spock.

“Spock!” He threw his arms around the Vulcan, squeezing him around the middle. Holding him as though his life depended on it. It did. For both of them could never truly survive without the other.  

“T’hy’la.” Spock buried his face in Jim’s neck. He was trembling.

“Jim. You almost got yourself killed,” Bones grumbled. “ _Again_. Only you would run into the one Klingon in all of San Francisco.”

Though he didn’t pull away from Spock, he didn’t want to, and anyway, Spock would not let him go, he leaned back enough to exclaim, as he looked at his friend, his _best_ friend, “Bones, damn, it’s good to see you!”

“You just saw me.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t drink yourself to death.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “It’s still early. And you two are still my friends.”

Jim laughed. And there might have been tears too. He cupped Spock’s face to look at him. Kissed his lips softly. “Hey. I’m okay.”

Spock nodded. “Jim, I—”

“ _I know_. I know you love me. And it’s all right. You don’t have to say it.”

“The last words I said to my mother…” Spock shook his head. He’d gone very pale. “It is illogical to hold such a superstition.”

“Spock.” Jim kissed him again. He felt the sorrow in his Vulcan, his T’hy’la. “You told her you loved her.”

Spock nodded.

“Honey, I love you so much. And I’ll say it enough for both of us.”

“But I—”

Jim smiled and kissed him again and again. He’d spend his life kissing him. “Here’s to the rest of our wonderful life.”

“If you two are finished with the mushy stuff, can we deal with the riffraff, and get going to the restaurant?” Bones demanded. “I’m actually hungry!”

Jim linked arms with Spock and turned toward Bones. “Okay, Okay. I love you too, Bones, by the way.”

Spock raised his hand to Jim’s face, his fingertips touching there lightly, not quite a meld.

_I love you, t’hy’la._

And now Jim knew. And he knew what t’hy’la was too.

But yeah, he guessed he’d always known. He just was too thick-skulled to get it. Not anymore. Spock had shown him. And yes, he would make sure young Spock knew too.

He was ready.

To have that wonderful life with Spock. And it was good. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [(Fanart) Wonderful Life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18068327) by [Mylochka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mylochka/pseuds/Mylochka)




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